M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
