time to smoke my breakfast
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
