i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
