shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky đ
He sang the chorus to âInside of youâ by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldnât even be mad, that probably took talent
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