I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
