I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize