My liver just broke up with me...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
