I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize