i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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