I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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