i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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