Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
