saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
