Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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