possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
