alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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