I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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