He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
