Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
