I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
