Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
