Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
