Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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