Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
