Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
