if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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