I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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