I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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