Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
