So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
