Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I have post one night stand depression
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