Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
