i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
