I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
