i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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