Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I skipped work to stalk him.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
