Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize