my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
