Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
