I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
