It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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