i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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