I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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