they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
4 words: hood of his car
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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