My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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