FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How external is "for external use only"?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
