I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
