if only i could text you this smell
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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