I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
