Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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