You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
