the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
