So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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