My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
