My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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