I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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