were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i love accidental penises.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
