I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
