my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
