Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
