Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
