oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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