Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
