mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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