Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just gargled with NyQuil
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
