i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
