I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
