I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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