It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
