dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
