If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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