dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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